It is what it Is
by Faith in yourself
Summary: A different writing style for this one. The beauty is stripped away... It is what it Is
1. IIWII 1

A/N (A different writing style for this one. The beauty is stripped away... It is what it is...not sure if this is the end)

It is what it Is

"Aaron just leave it" Jackson said monotonously, sighing inwardly.

"No, it's alright, it won't take a second" reaching to pick up the cloth.

"Aaron please" frustration now arising.

"Jackson, stop complaining and let me do it" Inching closer to the bed.

"I just..." Jackson stopped talking, he was interrupted by the material, sweeping over his chin, wiping away the mess.

This wasn't his life anymore.

He was a puppet, controlled by _its_ masters, unable to contribute any say into what he wants. Not only do they feed him, wash him, dress him, they now think for him, on occasions even talk for him.

It was like he wasn't a real person.

"There, good as new, now that wasn't so hard now was it?" Aaron said teasingly, trying his best to ignore the sadness behind Jackson's hazel eyes, feeling it's the best for everyone's sake that he stays blind to it.

"Cheers" Jackson whispered, his eyes now closing, closing himself off from Aaron, the world, himself even.

It's all he can do, they never listen to a word he says anymore.

Like now, Jackson can hear the clinking of two cups being placed on the work top. Aaron never even asked him if he wanted a drink!

Pretending to be asleep was all he was good at now, Jackson made it look seamless. Hazel usually left him alone when she thought he was taking a nap. But Aaron, Aaron sometimes watched him sleep, annoying the hell out of Jackson. Aaron did it because, he thought it was expected of him, the right thing to do in a strange way. To stand guard, and protect his broken boyfriend.

However, Jackson soon got used to feeling his blue eyes on him. It now rarely interfered with his daydreams of being someone else, or dead.

_Go to work, ignore Adam's pleas to go on a night out, listen then walk away when mum tells me to spend time away from Jackson, go and spend time with Jackson, tell him I want to hang out with him, tell him he is stupid to think I am only here out of guilt, hold his lifeless hand. Tell him everything will be alright, that I'm here, that I am not going anywhere. Touch his face, kiss his lips swiftly, massage his head, the only place he can feel me. Hope today will be the day he is happy, just for a day, an instant, a moment._

_Watch a film with him, wrap my arm around his motionless shoulder, act contented, engross myself in the film, laugh in all the right places, but not for long, and not too much, to avoid suspicion. Tuck him into bed, even though it is pointless as he will never feel the cold, kiss him goodnight, tell him I will see him tomorrow. Walk home, lie to myself, force a smile to my lips, tell myself this is all I have ever wanted, all that I will ever need, that I am happy, become the great pretender they want me to be, who I need to be._

_Close the front door, say hello to paddy, tell him I had a good time, and that things couldn't be better, everything is great, knowing the day is about to end._

_Shut my bedroom door. Curl up on top of my bed, remember Hazel's plea to hold on, just hold on until Jackson accepts his future, it could be any day now. Try to block out the fact she has been saying that for the past 6 months. Before closing my eyes, forgetting the events of the day. _

_Letting my mind wander, to wonder of the life that could have been if Jackson never tried to answer my call. Then think of the life I could have chosen, the life I could be living if I would have taken Jackson's escape. The endless amounts of partying, alcohol, sex, numbing the pain in my heart for the man who does not exist anymore, until the repetition of having fun registers in my brain, until I no longer have to pretend anymore, because time, would make the smile appear on my face without me putting it there, it would emerge naturally._

_Then the guilt will set in, my selfishness of wanting to break free from it all, messing with my head, making the tears fall down my face. That's when I pray to god, who I don't even believe in, to give me strength, to get me through the next day, to send me an angel to come into my life, heal my head then take off. Helping me to deal with the man I am now, and the path I have chosen. _

_I hear Paddy calling my name, telling me it's time to get up for work, then I realise..._

_I haven't even started my day yet, but I know the beginning, middle and end of it. Because this is my routine now, I have been doing this for months!_

"Erm, I'm not sure, I think it's, day 213.

To be honest, this video diary is the only thing that's keeping me sane. You're the only thing I can talk to, how sad is that?

So today...was fish and chips night. That's about the only highlight.

Joe couldn't come in today as he has a bit of flu, so Aaron gave me a bed bath.

He tried to distract me, himself even, by talking about his day. Telling me how many cars he had finished working on, telling me their faults and flaws and approximately how long it took him to fix each one.

I hate cars.

He knows I hate cars

I just, I wasn't even angry with him. Because I knew he was panicking, trying to fill the silence. I just, looked at him talking, trying my best to not hear the nerve nous, the awkwardness in his voice.

It was one of those moments, when I would put my arms around him and sooth him softly, telling him it's 'just me' that he is talking to. But then I realised, he wasn't actually talking to me, not the me he thinks I still am. My life has rearranged so much, that I am a stranger now, a stranger to him, to myself...

I've lost who I am, I'm not here anymore.

The amount of times I've told him to go, and never come back. But each time he came back, eventually I would give in and accept him with open arms, well, my arms are never open nowadays.

He's doing the 'honourable' thing, giving up his life for me. Smiling, even though he is dying inside, fooling the thoughts inside his head that he is happy and pretending that we will get what we deserve, that my life will suddenly become bearable.

But deep down he knows the truth...he knows.

I love him so much, I don't want him to leave me. But I love him too much for him to rot with me, to decay into nothing.

Because that's who I am now, nothing"

The tears now freefalling down his cheeks.

"It's been so hard, for so long.

I can't do this anymore. All the fight I had in me has gone, there's nothing left, there's nothing left of me.

I'm ready now, I'm ready.

I want them to let me go...they need to set me free.

They will watch this video back, and realise...I'm already dead...I died in the accident.

Day 213, finished, over and done"


	2. IIWII 2

Chapter 2

"You could be happy" Jackson whispered softly.

"What are you talking about, I am happy!" Aaron lied perfectly. After all, he kept who he really was a secret for what felt like a lifetime, hiding his true feelings is like second nature to him now.

"I'm just saying"

Aaron knows what he is saying, he has been saying it forever, he just wished Jackson would stop talking. It's like he is on a continual loop, repeating the same sentences over and over, asking the same questions day after day!

Does Jackson not having anything new to say anymore?

The he realised.

He doesn't, he really doesn't. Jackson has threw every trace of his old life away. He doesn't have any contact with his friends, some by mutual decision, as they can't deal with the 'awkwardness' of the situation, but mostly down to him not wanting to see them.

Refusing to cut his hair, insisting on wearing clothes that were not his favourites and avoiding listening to music that held any significance to his former life.

Aaron was beginning to understand, _he, _was the only link to Jackson's past. The only connection to how Jackson used to feel, used to be. Jackson had erased his whole life time, taken it away, and tossed it in the trash.

And Aaron could feel himself slipping from Jackson's radar too. Slipping from his now lifeless hands, Jackson couldn't, and wouldn't hold onto him, he wanted to cut all ties with everyone he has ever loved. To save them from a life of misery, he didn't

want to burden anyone, he never has. It wasn't too late for them to start again, for Aaron to move on and experience new and exciting love...but it was too late for him, no one can save him.

"Go out, I will still be here when you get back" Jackson joked feebly.

"Don't say that, don't joke about it, this!

Come out tonight, I can manage your chair. Or if you prefer I could call Joe, he won't mind tagging?" Aaron asked optimistically, he lived in hope!

"Nah, I'm knackered"

"You slept in, again! You can't be knackered all the time" Aaron snapped, although holding himself back, but he could feel his resolve loosening with each passing day.

"I'm exhausted mentally Aaron, I'm tired of this" he snapped back, before sighing softly, his eyes looking around the room, anywhere but him.

Aaron dropped himself into the chair beside his bed, frustration getting the better of him, resting his head into his hands for a moment, before looking up to see him.

Jackson was staring up, staring into space, not bothering to fight it, he was too tired, god, he wasn't strong enough to hold them back, he let the tears go, just like he let his life go, he didn't want it anymore, not now, not now it is broken.

"Jay, is it me? Am I doing this to you, I never make you happy, not anymore" Aaron whispered regretfully.

Aaron wanted a lot of things, but making Jackson happy was the one thing he wanted most of all, above anything else.

Jackson deliberated, should he tell Aaron the truth, would the truth set him free, them both Free?

Before he knew what he was saying, the truth, came pouring out of his mouth.

"I'm ready" He murmured, too low for Aaron to catch.

"You what"

"I'm ready now" he said slightly louder.

"You're ready, ready for what?" Aaron asked confused.

The tears, flowing stronger, falling faster down his cheeks.

"I'm ready for you to let me go.

For all of you, to let me go. I'm ready now" His voice, quivering as he spoke.

Aaron, stood still, his words not registering, he couldn't understand, he didn't want to understand.

But Jackson's eyes, his hollow, hazel eyes, created the writing on the wall. Aaron could see now, crystal clear, is what as if Jackson was made of glass.

Aaron did not speak, did not move, he couldn't, he couldn't even breathe properly! He just thought. Thinking about how, Jackson doesn't see what he sees anymore. To be honest, Aaron doesn't see what he saw anymore, Jackson isn't the same man, he's beginning to see that now.

"I'm setting you free Aaron, to do as you want, to do as you please, without me, without the guilt, without thinking your betraying me.

But I'm asking, for you to let me go, I don't wanna be here anymore.

I don't belong here, not like this. I should have died in the accident" Jackson cried softly.

Aaron had suddenly found his voice, now it was his turn to speak.

"YOU SELFISH, SELFISH PRICK! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT, WHAT ABOUT YOUR MUM, WHAT ABOUT FUCKING ME, YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT IS SUFFERING , YOUR MUM'S IN BITS, I FEEL LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY WALKING ON EGG SHELLS TO TRY AND PLEASE YOU, ALL WE WANT IS TO TRY AND MAKE YOU HAPPY! BUT EVERYTHING WE DO ISNT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU DONT EVEN TRY! YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR FIGHT, YOUR NOT THE SAME MAN, MY JACKSON WOULDNT HAVE GIVEN UP ON LIFE.

MAYBE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR THE BEST IF YOU DID DIE IN THE ACCIDENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE A STRANGER FOR ALL WE KNOW OF YOU NOW"

Aaron stormed out of the house, leaving an already broken Jackson to shatter into a million irreparable pieces. The truth didn't bring him closer to what he wanted, it just made him, even more sad, killing him on the inside.

But don't worry, because he never felt a thing.


	3. IIWII 3

Chapter 3

A few hours had past, and Aaron is in Bar West, drinking his sorrows away.

But he is not alone, a man called Liam is keeping him company, keeping him entertained.

But to be honest, his mind is elsewhere, his heart is not in it. His heart is miles away, in Dale View, lying with Jackson. He told Jackson he loved him months ago, but he had not said it to him again in weeks, not knowing what reaction he would get now by saying those 3 little words. Those 3 little words at the time seemed to make all difference, Jackson smile lasted for hours, it wasn't forced or contrived and it finally brought life to his eyes again, making Aaron wish he would have done it sooner.

But it soon wore off, it soon fell back into the frown that is now permanently etched on his face. Now all his face does is wear Aaron down, every single move Aaron makes seems to annoy Jackson, he couldn't do anything right, he couldn't win, not anymore!

And the heartbreaking thing is, Aaron can see in his mind, how perfect everything could be, but Jackson won't even give them a try.

And now Aaron is listening to Liam prattle on, nodding in all the right places, saying yes and no occasionally, pretending to give a shit. Why couldn't he be in a situation _he_ wanted to be in, why couldn't he do what he wanted to do?

Then Aaron realised, why couldn't he? What was there to lose now? Jackson was already too far gone.

Aaron's eyes rested upon Liam's lips, lingering his stare a little too long to avoid being caught, taking in the texture, thickness, and the redness of them.

He wanted to kiss them, he wanted so desperately and so badly, to lose himself, to lose who he was, and he feels this is the only way.

He watched his moving lips, not listening to his words, he couldn't care less about what he is saying, he'd blocked him out completely, he just wished Liam was doing something more useful with his lips.

Liam stopped talking, he knew Aaron wasn't listening now, he had other things on his mind, and he wanted to help ease some of the tension that was evident in his posture.

"You like what you see?" Liam smirked.

"Yeah, yeah I do" Aaron spoke, pure instinct taking over, he was tired of thinking, he just wanted to feel, to feel something other than sadness.

"What would you like to do to me?" Liam asked casually.

"Shut you up" he whispered huskily.

Liam laughed loudly, liking the forwardness of the man before him.

"Do you have all night free?" Liam asked eagerly.

Aaron thought about his choice of words before he spoke, thinking about all what Jackson had said tonight, before answering him.

"I'm free, I'm free to do what I want, whenever I want" He said quietly.

"Good, I don't live far, do you want to come back to mine?" Liam asked smiling, but he already knew the answer.

Aaron bit his lip subconsciously, closing his eyes in the process, it had been so long, and he wanted more than anything to free himself from the months of being tied and bound beyond his control.

...

He felt a sense of hate, crashing over him, as their lips crashed together. But that's ok, it's alright, he doesn't care!

Liam closed the door behind them, guiding him blindly to his room, never for one moment did their mouths break contact. Aaron accepted willingly, Liam's forceful tongue down his throat. Enjoying the taste of him, enjoying this new, and exciting world he wants to get lost in so much. Liam ripped and clawed at Aaron's shirt, the buttons tumbling to the floor, his nails skimming against Aaron's stomach as he tears the material from his body, but Aaron didn't mind, he was enjoying every second of this!

Teeth clashing, lips bitten, hands possessing everything that the other owned, _this is the life_ Aaron thought, _this is the life for me._

This was not making love, hell, this wasn't even sex...this was a frenzied attack, a desirable mixture of sharp pain and intense pleasure, of which both willingly want. This is what Aaron needs, it's all he needs right now!

They made it to the bedroom, their clothes in a heap in various places around Liam's flat, Aaron began sucking the pulse on his neck, needing to feel the beating rhythm in his mouth, between his teeth.

Before Aaron knew what hit him, he was thrown down roughly onto the bed, willingly letting Liam take control. Liam turned him abruptly onto his front, leaving Aaron face down in his sheets.

He didn't use anything, fuck, he didn't even prepare him, he just struck straight through the resistance. Aaron wasn't bothered though, he took it, just like he took all of Jackson's crap for the past 6 months without moaning. Pain is weakness leaving the body Aaron thought to himself, telling himself that over and over,_ pain is weakness leaving the body, pain is weakness leaving the body, _and it was true, because Jackson has left him!

Aaron impacted blow and blow, fierce thrusts deep inside of him, all the while his mind in overdrive...

"_Just a few more moments, just a few more moments, then it will come, the feeling will come, I won't feel sad anymore. _

_But god this pain feels so good. It makes a change from killing me from the inside out! His rawness is incredible. Go on Liam, that's it, hurt me, hurt me, FUCKING DESTROY ME! It's all I've known, all my life, it feels safe to hurt, I'm good at it, an expert at this. _

_But there it is, I can feel it coming, contaminating me, oh my god, there it is!_

_I haven't felt this in months, God I've missed this, more than anything else in the entire world. My face pushed against these sheets, cutting off my air supply, but it's adding to the euphoria! _

_What would Jackson do, what would he say if he saw me now, watching another man take me, would he hate me? Could he hate me anymore than he already does? I wish Jackson was here right now, watching me doing this. Then he could see, he could see me for who I really am, I could show him the man I was all along, showing him what I'm worth...I'm worth nothing!_

_I am damaged at best, like I bet he has already figured out, I'm no better than the worst._

_Oh god, I'm coming, I'm coming for the first time in months! It feels so good, yes, yes, it's what I want, It's all I want. _

"Open your mouth" Liam ordered huskily.

Aaron happily obliged. His load, leaving a sour taste, in his mouth. But that's alright, because he can take it, he can take everything you throw at him, he's Aaron Livesy, punishment is all he has known!

He's not perfect, and he is not even trying to be...

"Aaron...Aaron, Aaron?"

...

"Aaron...Aaron, Aaron?" Liam asked, he annoyance rising.

Aaron opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings.

"Aaron?"

"What?"

"So, what do you think?" Liam asked eagerly.

"About what?" Aaron asked confused.

Liam hesitated, his confidence wailing "I don't usually do this, not with someone I don't even know but, I don't live far, do you want to come back to mine?"


	4. IIWII 4

Chapter 4

He's not stupid, yeah he makes mistakes, but he is capable of doing the right thing sometimes! After all, he has been doing the right thing for months. Jackson is just like everyone else in his life, they think he doesn't know what _he_ wants, what is best for himself. They tell him what to do, like his mum constantly nagging him to leave Jackson, saying it will be better now than in the long run, like she knows what will happen in the future, nothing is inevitable! Or when Jackson himself makes decisions for him, ordering him out of the house to have fun, what was fucking fun? He'd never really known the meaning of the word, it had been months, if not ever since he had had a good time. He was tired of being treated like he was useless, he has feeling's too you know? He's real with arms and legs, so he can walk away, or stay with Jackson forever and some more, he knows the difference between right and wrong!

But, the truth is...everyone else is right, they always are.

Was he naive to think him and Jackson could have had it all?

He loves Jackson, he really, really loves him. It overwhelms him sometimes, the lengths he would go to, to make him whole again. All he wants to do is make him happy, that's all he wants.

But he's not. Jackson is not happy, and neither is he. And he knows, he has been feeling hollow for way too long.

Because what they have, is not enough. Aaron loves Jackson with all his heart, but it's not enough to keep away the cold he constantly feels. This problem is weighing him down, he doesn't know how to get out of this, he loses whichever way he turns...

Aaron stormed from Bar West disoriented, he imagined what it would have been like to sleep with Liam, and he knew just how perfect it would have been! His pain would have been numbed for a while, hours and hours if he had his wicked way. So why didn't he go through with it? People already know he's scum, it's not possible for

them to hate him anymore than they already do! Hell, Aaron couldn't despise himself more if he tried, he had nothing to lose, he was defeated a long time ago.

But there was a voice inside his head, a voice he hates. A voice that sends alarm bells through his entire body and makes him want to punch something!

But the voice is desperate, pleading with him, begging him to listen, to understand. And as much as he tries not to hear, the voice in his head is talking so loud, so clear.

"_Just hold on Aaron, just hold on, it could be any day now, you'll see, Jackson will start smiling again._

_Please Aaron, please, just hold on"._

The voice belonged to Hazel. She still drove him around the bend more often than not, but they shared something, they shared their grief for Jackson, who seemed to be dying inside more and more with each passing day, and neither could do a thing to stop it. It was like witnessing a car accident and not being able to do anything to save the passengers.

Every time Aaron wants to do something reckless, any time he wants to walk away or, like tonight, do something he knows he will regret, Hazel's voice rings clear.

And although Aaron does feel guilt and an 'honourable obligation' to stay with Jackson, he can't hurt him, he can't hurt Jackson the way Jackson is crucifying him by pushing him away. Deep down he knows he wants to hold on, for the man who brought him to life, the man who helped him to understand that what he feels for other men is nothing to be ashamed of.

The problem is, the man he is holding on for isn't real anymore, he no longer exists.

Aaron is in love with a stranger.

And he's been feeling sick for what feels like forever because of it.

Aaron rests his body against the bus shelter, tears are streaming down his face. Every thought inside his head is torn, because everything he does for Jackson just comes undone, his life is torn apart and there is nothing he can do to change it, and that's the hardest part. It's time to face the truth, his life is a lie, the real Jackson is gone and he is never coming back. It's time to let him go...he needs to end this relationship which is not and never will be real.

...

The bus stopped at Emmerdale, Aaron hesitated upon getting off, a feeling of dread washing over him. This wasn't what he wanted, but it's what he needed, he accepted that Jackson no longer existed, well, the Jackson he once knew, and he had to break free to do what he wanted, to do as he pleased, without him. He just hadn't figured out exactly what he would do once he was untied from Jackson's side.

Walking slowly towards Dale Head now, he reached for the door handle, until he decided to have a quick smoke first, fooling himself into believing it would calm his nerves, an unlimited amount of inhaling nicotine would never stop his legs from shaking, his heart from hurting.

He had to try, he had to give himself a chance, his selfless actions of putting Jackson first had fallen on deaths door. He can't fix what is already broken, he had to face facts...Jackson is beyond repair.

Stubbing out his cigarette, he took one last breathe, knowing this breathe will be held for a long time, before opening the door.

What he was met with shocked him completely, it pretty much knocked him off his feet!

Jackson was sitting up in his bed, and when he saw the door open and realised it was Aaron...he smiled. He was actually smiling at him.

Aaron couldn't believe it, he is being greeted with a smile, which is finally reaching Jackson's eyes. It isn't forced, or contrived, it's real, Jackson looks real! Aaron couldn't help but smile back, he feels as if he has waited his whole life for Jackson to do this.

But Aaron had one huge dilemma, what does he do now?


	5. IIWII 5

Chapter 5

Jackson was alone in the dark, Hazel went to bed hours ago, having been worn out listening to Pearl going on about how painful her piles are again!

So he just lay there, not as if he could do much else. Passing the time by listening out for cars, counting how many go past, and comparing them to how many he heard the previous night. God, this was killing him, and he couldn't even feel it.

What had he become? Going off at everyone who loves him, but he can't help it, he simply can't, he's powerless to stop it. He can't allow them to rot with him, they don't have to do this, they have a way out, why won't they walk away and leave him to die in his sleep? It's what he wants, It's the only way.

When Aaron comes back, which he knows he will, Jackson will put the final nail into the coffin. He needs to bury what pieces are holding together their lifeless relationship for good.

Jackson's finished now, he's done. There's nothing left of him, nothing that's useful anyway, he hates what he's become. And he planned on distancing himself from everyone, from it all. He'd thought long and hard about this, and after realising ending his life would never happen and knowing he would never accept the man he is now. He decided he would end the misery he was unnecessarily spreading to the people he loved.

He was going to spend the rest of his days in a nursing home, being cared for by strangers and surrounded by other broken people. He would sit all day looking out of the window, thinking of the life that should have been.

Because the life that was so cruelly taken away, was meant for him.

Jackson felt the tears sting his eyes, but he couldn't hide his amusement when he looked down and caught sight of what his mum had dressed him in.

He was wearing his favourite red checked shirt, Aaron's favourite too. A watery smile broke out onto his face, that mother of his, _what was she playing at?_ He thought teasingly.

Before he knew it, Jackson lost himself in memories of meeting Aaron for the first time, wearing this very shirt. Thinking about all the broken things that threatened to destroy what they had, but never did. It only made them stronger, made them love each other even more. Everyone around them said they wouldn't, couldn't last! But they paid no attention, because what they had was fucking real, no matter what people thought and said. Being together was like, the stuff that dreams are made of, laughing and giving harmless banter to one another, was what made them work, they thrived upon it.

They proved them all wrong, because people never knew the way they were feeling, ok yeah, they had their ups and more often than not they had their downs, but it was real...it was them.

Jackson heard the door open, and saw him walking through it, he couldn't help it, for the first time in months, he was letting go, giving in to his heart, which was still beating for his teenage boyfriend, he was smiling, and it was real.

"Hi" Jackson spoke tentatively, still remembering they parted on an argument.

"Alright?"

Aaron's smile grew wider when he realised the shirt Jackson was wearing, it held so many happy memories for both of them.

"You're smiling" Aaron said, it wasn't a question, it was a fact, a fact he was still trying to get his head around.

"Yeah, how about that, who knew?" Jackson joked, his eyes lighting up in the process.

'_Why are you smiling you div' _Jackson thought, kicking himself_ 'this is not how I planned to end things with him!'_

"Where did you get to?" Jackson asked, trying to calm his moment of madness.

"I erm, went for a drink" Aaron answered honestly, trying to figure out if it best to tell him about Liam.

"Where?" He knew Aaron like the back of his dead hand.

"Bar West"

"What was his name?" Jackson asked casually.

"What?" Aaron asked, unable to believe how easy he is to read, and feeling a little apprehensive about telling him the truth. But he decided keeping secrets is overrated, they never brought him any closer to happiness in the past, and besides, he can never lie to Jackson.

"Liam...don't know his second name. My age, tall, short black hair, blue eyes, clean shaven, deep Yorkshire accent. But couldn't tell you anything about him, wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying".

"I'm not surprised, bet you were too busy gorping at him by the way you remembered everything about how he looked" Jackson joked feebly, Aaron could see the hurt shoot across his eyes a mile off.

"Nothing happened...I wanted it to, I wanted it to so badly" Aaron whispered regretfully.

Jackson gulped slowly, praying to god that Aaron doesn't hear his erratic heartbeat, trying to escape through his chest, before asking the question as neutral as he possibly could...

"Why didn't you?"

Aaron looked towards the floor before answering, breathing in and out deeply, before leaving himself open and vulnerable.

"Because...because I realised, the only man I want to touch me, the only man I want to touch and feel amazing with, is you" he whispered gently, his own words, echoing in his head, over and over.

He saw the relief momentarily fleet across Jackson's face, a hint of a smile playing on his triumphant lips.

Jackson was killing inside, Aaron was too precious to give away, but he was too valuable to keep. He couldn't hold onto him, could he?

Jackson was too helpless to stroke his face, to touch him, like Aaron so desperately wants him to. All he could do was to opt for humour, to try to make Aaron, his whole world feel just a little bit better.

"You big saddo, I knew you always loved me more than Steven Gerrard"

Aaron couldn't help but laugh, he watched as Jackson chuckled lightly too, smiling his head off, who was this man and what has he done with Jackson Walsh!

Suddenly Aaron realised, this was Jackson, his Jackson. The man he thought was gone, the man he thought he had lost him forever, but he has been here this whole time, he never left, he was just lost under all the hurt and sadness.

Things haven't been perfect for a long time, but now he is here again, he is here with him, the real him.

Looking into his eyes now, the warmth returning to them, making them shine for all they are worth. He can't go. Not now, there a team, they always were.

Gazing at him, makes him realise he has found everything, he thought he had lost forever. He can make this work, he can and he will!

Before Jackson knew it, Aaron stepped closer to him, they were now just a breath away from the other. Jackson can't think, all he can do is wait patiently until he feels Aaron's lips on his. He would never be able to feel Aaron's touches on his body again, but he would always feel him, on the inside.

He finally felt him, his soft, gentle lips on his. Moving so slow, so tentatively, It felt incredible. It felt as though the sensation was heightened, due to him not being able to feel from the neck down.

But with all the strength that was left in him, he pulled away. He had to do this, he had to save the people he loved, they can't go under with him.

Aaron looked at him confused "What are you doing?"

Jackson forced the threatening tears back into his skull "The kiss was goodbye.

I'm leaving Aaron, I'm going to a care home...

I'm setting you free"


	6. IIWII 6

Chapter 6

What was happening? They just kissed, Jackson fell into it, he felt him, he felt him fall into the kiss!

He needs to stop him, he needs to stop him talking, he's talking rubbish. He can't lose him, not now, not now he has seen a glimpse of him. The real him has not died, the Jackson he knew is still alive!

"No, FUCKING NO, IT AINT HAPPENING!" Aaron shouted, seething with sheer rage, and panic.

"Ssshhh, you'll wake my mum!" Jackson pleaded urgently, he really couldn't deal with Aaron AND his mum at the same time.

"Why, she should hear this, she should hear how fucking selfish you are!" Aaron fumed.

"Aaron, I can't touch you, I would give anything to give you what you want.

But I can't, I can't, I'm gonna let you go, selfish would be keeping you.

I'm broken Aaron, and as much as I love you, you know I do. You can't make me happy, because I'm always going to be bitter. I'm not real, I'm not real with arms and legs anymore.

I'm sad, and being with you isn't enough now, it can't be, because who I am, is not me.

THIS WASN'T MEANT TO BE ME, THIS WASNT MEANT TO HAPPEN!" Jackson screamed, crying softly.

"When I came in, you were smiling, I saw you, I saw it" Aaron pleaded desperately, trying in vein to think of the words to open his eyes, to make him see sense, they belonged together. It wanted so badly to wrap Jackson in his arms, but what was the point? He wouldn't feel it and it wouldn't fix this.

"Aaron, I smiled for the first time in months, and I can't tell you next time it will happen again. I'm too tired to fake it, and I can't put you through it, I've already put you through hell.

You can visit me, we can still be friends".

Aaron felt the tears build behind his eyes, what could he say to make him change his mind?

"I can't be ya mate, it will never work, because mates can't do this..." Aaron stepped forward leaning his face into Jackson's.

"No Aaron, no, don't touch me, please just, just move away from me!" Jackson said. If it was possible, his own words would have killed him instantly, he hated what he had done to the younger man, what he continued to do to him, well, not anymore, not after tonight.

Aaron moved away reluctantly, rubbing his hands over his head, time was running out!

"I opened my heart up to you tonight, told you the only man I want is you.

Jay, let it be enough, let me be enough...I, I love you" Aaron whispered truthfully.

"You love me! well, where is this love, because I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't feel it. And I never will be able to feel you expressing it to me again will I?

Just go Aaron" Jackson spoke, he desperately wants him to leave now, he can't watch this, he can't watch the love of his life breaking. He can't break, don't let him be broken like him!

"IM NOT HAVING YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEING LOOKED AFTER BY FUCKING STRANGERS" Aaron cried, had his time run out?

"Why not, it's not like they will be looking after me will it, not the me you knew.

The me you knew, died a long time ago, right before you're very eyes, all I do now is wish I was someone else, I'd be better off dead" Jackson tearfully confessed, unable to look at Aaron now, it was too painful.

"I can't lose you, I can't lose you because...It will be like losing a part of me" Aaron whispered, the tears now pouring down his cheeks.

God, the sweetness of his words, making Jackson feel like he was the cruellest man on the planet. But his own blank stares and bitter memories of his old life, are all he has now, he was on his own from now on, he couldn't allow it to be any other way. He loved this world, and now he would just have to watch it from afar, his life is always going to be hard now, dreaming of the days when he had all the power and the glory is what will have to get him through till it was over.

"GET OUT, GET OUT, I DONT WANT YOU HERE, GET OUT!"

The loudness of Jackson's voice startled Aaron, sending shivers down his spine. He had to do as he wanted, but this was far from over!

Aaron walked to the door, defeated for the moment, before turning around and saying

"I'm not giving up, I'm not giving up on you Jay, like you never gave up on us, on me. I'll be back" Before closing the door gently.

Hazel heard the commotion downstairs, but knowing she was powerless, she just had to stay put, she can't console the sobs wracking her son's lifeless body.

All she could do is listen, praying it all would work eventually. But the tears streaming down her face, let her know the situation is real, no magic cure lies in wait, she only hopes time will console and help her son come to terms with the life he has been left with.

...

Two days had past, and Aaron had decided that was long enough to give Jackson his head space, today would be the day he is going to win Jackson back.

For the past few nights he has been lying awake, going over and rehearsing material in his head. Hoping the illusions in his head would covert to words, he needs Jackson to give them a chance, a proper chance, for them to try and make this work!

It was Sunday morning, and Aaron was just about to jump in the shower, to wake himself up for his task ahead. Jackson was, like him, very stubborn, once an idea gets into his head it's very difficult to sway the older man. But they worked, because they are similar in ways, but worlds apart by nature.

The hot water was just steaming the mirrors, when he heard the front door nearly forced off it's hinges from the excessive banging it was receiving. He shut the shower off and wrapped the towel around his waist tightly, making his way downstairs to answer the door.

"Aaron...he's gone, I got back from Hotton just in time to see him being carted away in some ambulance, I don't know where he's gone" Hazel cried uncontrollably.

Aaron just stood there, waiting for her words to register, waiting for the pain to wash over him, to take him.

But the hardest part is, he couldn't feel anything, he just couldn't feel anything. He wondered if this is how Jackson feels, all the time?

Everything he knows is wrong, everything he does just comes undone. His life is torn apart into a million little pieces and he couldn't even feel...

He couldn't feel him.


	7. IIWII 7

Chapter 7

He's decided he is never gonna leave this bed!

But to be honest, it's not like he can walk anywhere. He doesn't even have the strength to turn his head away from the door. There never going to walk through it, Aaron will never come here, no one knows where he is for starters!

But it won't be hard to find him, he's in the nearest care home to Emmerdale...

Well, he got the window view he wanted, overlooking the garden. It was a nice little room. Plasma TV on the wall, minimal decoration, a vase of flowers on the side table next to his bed, what more could he want? What more could he need now? Because after all, he's never gonna leave this bed, it's the only thing that's his, he's got to take what he can get now.

As Jackson looked out of the window, at the heat, mist, sleet, snow or whatever the hell was out there, he felt a prang of satisfaction, in a weird, twisted way. He had taken everything he had, everything he had left and gave it all away, freeing them from the shackles of his life and leaving them in bits.

But unlike him, they can rebuild their lives, time will heal their scars. He can't even feel his wounds!

Just as he was about to try and begin to settle within his new surroundings, a woman came to drag him away from his window.

"Hey Jackson, it's dinner time, come and meet some of the other residents" carer Katie chirped, pushing his chair in the direction of the dining room.

She was pushing him away, without his consent, he supposed he would have to get used to that. He didn't have the strength to resist or control it, he couldn't. So he let her take him.

The sight in the dining room knocked him for six, if he was real with legs, he would have fallen down, crippled in pain. But no, he was just crippled, only hurting in his head.

The large table, occupied by other less able bodies. Some being fed, some having their faces cleaned, others not knowing what time of day it was. This was him now, this was his life.

He desperately clung on to the tears trying to form in the back of his skull. Why does he deserve this? Has he done something wrong to justify this?

Has god done this? Because someone's to blame! Someone has taken away everything he had and he would do anything, to get it all back.

"Ok Jackson, let's get you settled, there you go. Right, I'll just go and get your dinner" Katie politely spoke.

Jackson waited, crumbling under the gaze of the empty, vacant faces staring at him from around the table. His confidence and self assurance long gone, they left him a long time ago.

But in those stare's, he could see, he could see the understanding, the mirroring reflection of his own. They were aliens, like him, unable to let the outside world in because they couldn't understand the wall keeping them apart, the outside world couldn't see it. Not being able to reach out and touch the one's you love, it's so lonely... and it's for life.

'_It looks like my Bar West days are over' _Jackson thought jokingly, bitterly, just before Katie came back with his food in her hand.

"I hope you're hungry Jackson" Katie smiled.

"Starving" he lied.

He ate his food in silence, letting the stranger feed him.

...

He sat by his bedroom window, looking at the hail, rain, thunder, fog or whatever the hell was out there. Trying his best to block out the voice, shouting so loud, hurting his head, until he could take no more.

"It's what he wants, there's nothing I can do now, if he wants to spend his life there then I can't do anything" Aaron snapped, he just wants to be left on his own!

"He doesn't know what he wants, he's confused, he thinks this is what's best for us. it's not, he belongs with us, Aaron please, don't give up on him now, please don't let him do this, you're the only one he will listen to" Hazel pleaded shamelessly.

"HE DOESNT LISTEN TO ME, I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO THIS, AND OH LOOK, HE'S GONE AND FUCKING DONE IT!

I CAN'T HELP HIM NOW" Aaron shouted angrily, wanting desperately to chuck her out of his room.

"If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was you who was stuck in a wheelchair he would never give up on you, he would find where you are and not leave until you came home with him!" Hazel shot back.

"Oh yeah, saint Jackson, saint Jackson who never puts a foot wrong, says and does the right thing all the time. I was always shit compared to him"

"Yeah, you was, you are, you're nothing compared to Jackson" Hazel spat, seething with rage.

"Oh I know, you don't need to tell me, Jackson is incredible, forgiving me after everything I've done, standing him up on what was supposed to be our first date, hitting him in the middle of a crowded pub, humiliating him by never holding his hand in public, always putting up with my foul moods, and best of all, he doesn't even blame me for ending his life, I'm the reason he's trapped in that chair!" Aaron said violently.

"I DONT KNOW WHAT HE SEES IN YOU, ALL I SEE IS A DAMAGED BOY WHO WILL NEVER ACCEPT THE TRUTH...NOBODY WANTS YOU, YOUR MUM NEVER DID, YOUR DAD HATES YOUR GUTS, BUT NO ONE DESPISES YOU MORE THAN I DO RIGHT NOW.

JACKSON PROBABLY JUST FEELS SORRY FOR YOU, AND HE'S CONFUSING IT WITH LOVE. JACKSON IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU, HE'S TOO PERFECT FOR YOU" Hazel now shaking with sheer resentment at the man in front of her.

"WELL HE'S NOT PERFECT ANYMORE IS HE?" Aaron screamed at the top of his lungs.

The sound of Hazel's hand slapping against Aaron's face reverberated around his room.

Bringing them both back down into reality. What had they just said? What had Hazel just done?

Aaron couldn't stop the tears coursing down his cheeks.

"Aaron I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my god, what have I done? Please forgive me, please...this wasn't meant to happen, Jackson will kill me, oh my god Aaron" Hazel sobbed uncontrollably.

Hazel wrapped Aaron in an unbreakable embrace, but Aaron just stood still, letting the encounter wash over him.

He was too busy lost in his thoughts, thinking about all the words he had just said.

He didn't mean them. He loved him, he loved every part of him, no matter what everyone else thinks. He was just lashing out, as yet again Jackson was making decision for him! But he knew Jackson was just trying to put him first.

Was Jackson ever going to let him in and allow him to be there? Jackson just kept pushing him, and Aaron doesn't know if he has the strength anymore to resist him. He feels too tired to be fighting, it's all he's done all his life, fighting with other people, fighting with himself...he needs time to think things through.

...

It was 22:00, and Hazel had left him alone in his room, finally, about 4 hours ago. And all Aaron has done is think.

And the conclusion he has come to is...

He never wants to leave this bed.

He feels safe with his eyes closed, no one can hurt him here. But he supposes that it's a little too late for that, he's hurting so bad.

But he has to move... because he has got to find him, he's got to get him back.

The truth is, the only thing he is certain of anymore is that he would give everything he has away, to get him home... and to make him happy.


	8. IIWII 8

Chapter 8

His first night in the home had proved difficult, like he expected. Although he never expected the place to be quite so noisy!

Residents crying in the middle of the night, screaming random names out who were meaningless to him. People creeping in and out of his room, checking he was alright, what did they think would happen, he couldn't exactly end this never ending nightmare himself could he? No, death is too good for him apparently, no one would dare do what he wants would they?

So he spent the night wide awake, trying his best not to hear the commotion surrounding him. Thinking about this side of life he has found himself on, that he never knew. He would never believe such tragedies could happen if you would have told him, he never for one moment would have believed they were true...until now.

Hearing all the people hurting around him, he resisted calling out his name, he controlled the temptation to shout out to go home, to go back to him.

He felt something die inside of him when he realised, he probably would never say his name again.

He told himself it wasn't aloud now since he told staff never to let him in to see him, Aaron would never get past the door.

Thinking about him was ok though, because memories of their time together was going to get him through the rest of his days...they just had to!

The perfection of his face always calms down his racing heart, slowing down all other thoughts.

Morning came slowly and they got him ready to start the new day, or the first day of the rest of his existence.

Washing him, drying the water, changing his bag, dressing him. They can touch him for as long as they want, there's no feeling left, he can't feel his dignity being ripped away, that went right out of the window the day when, at 22, his mum gave him a bed bath, the day his boyfriend checked his body for bed sores.

He must be missing, he must be missing the point!

Because he can't see it, he can't see the point of him, the point of himself. Sat here motionless waiting for someone to bring him his breakfast. One night gone, only another 100,000 more in this place, until it's all over...

"Here ya go Jackson" The carer spoke quickly placing his breakfast on the table in front of him, then walking away.

Jackson couldn't quite believe it, he was stunned. In case anyone hadn't noticed, his arms and legs are dead, how the fuck was he expected to feed himself?

"Erm excuse me, gonna need a little help" Jackson said, gesturing to his arms with his head.

"Oh yeah, back in a minute" the carer said before fleeting off to attend to god knows what.

Jackson couldn't believe it, by the time the carer will come back his cereal will probably be soggy and his cup of tea will be cold! His mum would never pull a stunt like this, no, she would put everything on hold, stop the world just to give him his breakfast. Anything to make his life just that little bit easier.

But Jackson was beginning to understand, in a place like this...he was just a number, a face in the crowd, he was not the centre of anyone's world in here. So he casts his eyes back down, looking at the floor.

And he will wait, he will wait patiently until they can find the time to feed him...

"They said they were just making my morning coffee and bringing me some crumpets...that was about half an hour ago" A woman laughed gently beside him.

He didn't even know anyone was beside him, he hadn't looked up since he was placed here, out of the way. But he glanced up upon hearing her voice, she was in a wheelchair to, arms robotically placed at her sides like his. Dark hair just passing her shoulders, not a wrinkle in sight, but he could tell she was in her 40's, the lack of thickness in her skin giving her away, and the dark circles beneath her eyes, like she never ever sleeps.

As Jackson continued to take every detail of her face in, she broke the now prolonged silence.

"I'm Emily...what's your name?"

...

Aaron pulled his phone out of his pocket, answering the incoming call.

"Hi Hazel, yeah I've found him, it wasn't that hard, Joe spilt his guts by the time I was finished with him...

No I didn't hurt him, I just said I would break his legs if he didn't tell me where Jackson was. Yeah it's where we thought he would be, so I take it it's a good sign he never went further afield?

Ok, well I'm going to head straight there, yeah ok I'll wait there, hurry up though, bye".

Aaron pulled up in the car park of the building Jackson was calling home now. Turning up the radio nice and loud, trying to distract himself from wanting to just barge into the place and take Jackson back to where he belongs.

His foot began to tap the pedals lightly, before turning fiercer, his hands gripping the steering wheel with all their might. His heart racing like mad in time to the thumping music vibrating in the car.

Until he could take no more, he couldn't wait for Hazel to arrive, he just had to see him now, he just had to! He had nothing memorised to say to him, no words or comforting incentives to get him to come home. He was hoping he could wing it and let his heart rule his head, praying to god that he had it in him to ignite Jackson's once bright spark for life...and trying not to think of how lousy he truly is with words, he couldn't afford to be, not right now, not when his heart is feeling so heavy, aching to be with the man on the other side of those walls.

He walked to the entrance and through the doors to the reception, attracting the attention of the receptionist sitting behind a desk.

"Can I help you sir?" The woman asked politely.

'_Oh not today' _Aaron thought, seeing clearly the pretty young woman flirting with him, twirling a strand of her hair between her fingers, making the common mistake of assuming he is straight.

"My name is Aaron Livesy, I'm here to see Jackson, Jackson Walsh".

"Just one moment sir" she said before getting up and walking through the door behind her desk.

Aaron waited a few moments impatiently, rubbing his hands over head comfortingly, wanting desperately just to see his face already!

The woman walked back behind her desk...but she was not alone.

2 stocky men were in now in tow.

"I'm sorry sir, Mr Walsh doesn't want you to come here, he has given us strict instructions for you to be refused entry to the building to see him, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave"

Aaron was stunned, if he was not leaning against a wall he could swear his knee's would give way.

This was a side to Jackson he never knew, but since the accident he had been experiencing more and more from him. But the things Jackson has been saying for months, were always pretty much never true, Aaron knew that, he knew he was just trying to give him a chance to run.

But the games he has been playing, Jackson never wins, because Aaron always came back...always.

And today would be no different.

Aaron turned his back on her, on the 2 security guards, and took large strides into the nursing home. He was going to see him, and he had no intention of letting him go.

"JACKSON!"


	9. IIWII 9

Chapter 9

By the time the carer came back around, like expected, his cereal was soggy and his tea was stone cold.

So he demanded they took them away and made him an edible breakfast.

Well, _he_ never, but Emily did. Making it clear on his behalf that it simply was not good enough, and that the level of service they were receiving was not even bog standard. Just because they were not fit to be seen in public, does not mean their voices should not be heard. They were still real, just because they could not feel does not mean they don't exist, they deserved better, they deserved more!

It really did the trick as the carer could not apologise enough and vowed to make sure he not only improved his own standard of care but the entire home's care to.

But they were only words, Jackson and Emily both knew it was lies. But it was fun to watch him squirm when Emily mentioned complaining to his head of department...

Well, they had to get their kicks somehow these days!

"That's just...so sad" Emily said truthfully, having heard how Jackson came to wind up in a place like this.

"Well, what's done is done.

How did you end up in a place like this, your too young to end up in a retirement home...just yet" Jackson joked cheekily, trying desperately to avoid Emily's opinion of him cutting everyone he loves out of his life, he really didn't want to hear that right now.

She knew this, she wasn't stupid! But she decided to answer the question anyway.

"Well, I was a minor celebrity in my little village just outside of Yorkshire. People would come from, erm...yards around to watch me perform in our local fields" Emily giggled

"I was a jockey, competing in mini competitions with my horse Sasha.

Riding her gave me the best buzz I have ever felt, it was sort of like, I was flying, leaving my body behind.

Then 6 years ago, I was riding Sasha in the championship final when an ambulance whizzed passed on the nearby road, siren going full pelt. She just, I don't know really, she just freaked out, something she never usually does and I went flying in the air, then came crashing down on my neck.

I spent about 3 months in hospital, then spent the next five and a half years at home, but things changed, it didn't work out so I came here.

Gutted I flipped off her that day to be honest, as I would have won that bloody final an all, I was winning by a clear mile!" Emily joked, confusing Jackson, he knew he often joked about his predicament, but it never reached his eyes. But he could see Emily was over it, well not over it but had come to accept it.

He had never admired anyone as much as he does Emily right now, she really is living proof that you can smile even though you are slowly fading away inside.

He hoped one day he could to, because the worst has happened to him...he just prayed that time could help him breathe again and cope with the pieces that are left.

But Emily's smile soon faded, replaced by something he could relate to, a scowl, a solemn expression he himself does so perfectly, so effortlessly these days, before opening up and confessing to what really hurt her the most.

"I'm here because, I don't have anybody to look after me anymore.

My husband of 18 years left me a few months ago...in a letter.

And it didn't even tell me why, he just said that he loves me with all his heart and that he always will, no explanation, no reason. After 23 years of being together you'd think he would be honest with me and tell me the truth!

To be honest, I have absolutely no clue as to why he did it, he could have met some else, got tired of looking after me or couldn't take anymore of watching how helpless I am"

The tears slowly trickled down her face, as she relived in her head, the memory of seeing the note on the kitchen table and having to wait until her next door neighbour came round to check on her to read it aloud, so she could hear the words, the words he should have said to her face.

Jackson could offer her no comfort, no strong arm to wrap around her shoulder and his mouth is unable to communicate any soothing words to calm her down. It seems he really is useless these days.

But he watched in curiosity, as a watery smile broke across her face, as she turned her head to him...

"But you know what? Although him leaving is like, like my oxygen has been taken away, I wouldn't trade are time together for the world.

He made my life bearable, he gave me so much hope, so much strength it's unreal.

And ano, ano although he has gone now...I know he loved me, he really loved me. What we had was real.

If I was honest with myself, I felt him slipping away from me about 3 months before he left. But I just chose to ignore it, I chose to tell myself he was fine...but he wasn't.

He was happy with me though, I know him, if he wasn't happy from the off he wouldn't have stuck around for nearly 6 whole years after the accident. I made him happy, I know I did. We had are up's and downs and every high and low possible!

But I guess the lows eventually drowned the highs away, leaving him nowhere left to turn...

And I know I will never find someone like him, if anyone again. But I can't help but think of him and smile, because he saved me, he saved me at the time when I needed saving the most. He brought me out of this daze I found myself in once he took me home from the hospital. He made me laugh, it took time but he made me smile.

We worked.

I know it must of killed him to leave me, it must have been a massive step...but he took it...and I am so proud of him for doing it. He put himself first for once and I think in a strange way I love him even more for it"

They descended into silence.

Both lost in their own thoughts, Jackson's head was filled with everything Emily had just said, and her words were colliding with Aaron's, his way's and his everyday pouts he doesn't even realise he does, which he says annoys the hell out of him but secretly loves!

Until Emily broke him from his trance...

"You're not reaching for something that's already gone you know?" She stated softly.

"What?" Jackson asked confused.

"Aaron's still here, from what you've said about him he hasn't left. He wants to be with you. I don't know how long he will stay and I can't tell you for sure but...he will probably go.

You will never know when, and you will never know how, you may never even know why but you will let him go, and cherish all the time you spent together.

And thank him, thank him for all the things he has done for you, for prolonging the happy days of your life"

Emily let her words hang in the air, deciding it best to let Jackson have some headspace.

...

"JACKSON, JACKSON" Aaron screamed, he knew the security guards were hot on his heels, so time was not on his side, he needed to find him, he needed to see his face and look into his eyes...and hope, hope he lets him have one more attempt at trying to make him see sense, he belonged with him!

Aaron burst into so many rooms he had lost count, startling the residents in the process. If he had time he would apologise to them, but he didn't.

He was coming to the last door on the left, he really didn't have time to make his way to the other side, security were now in his line of sight. He gripped the handle, pulling it down to enter.

Here goes...


	10. IIWII 10

Chapter 10

He's not in there!

For fucks sake, which room is he in?

Aaron retreated from the room quickly, but he had to stop.

He had no choice but to back himself against the wall, they were coming, just a few steps away from him now.

"Calm down lad" One of the security guards said as they approached him, they can see it in his eyes how desperate he is, his heart thumping through his chest, he is breathless, he couldn't control his breathing, panic was written all over his face, he can't leave, he can't leave without seeing him, without bringing him home!

Aaron didn't like this, he didn't like being crowded, he never has, he needs his space. When his back's against the wall, it's in his DNA, to show no fear at all. To fight with everything he has, it's all he's done, all his life, fight his corner. It's not like anyone else has.

Well, Paddy did.

And one other person.

This person never gave up on him, even though he has given up on himself.

They all told him to give up on him to, his mum, Cain, even Paddy!

No one even bothered to ask him what he wanted.

Well, he's about to go and get it, or die trying, because he's not going down without a fight.

Aaron leant away from the wall, taking his hands from around his back and clenched them into fists.

He was ready, he was just about to catch one of them off guard, when he heard him calling his name, with so much concern lacing his tone.

"Aaron?"

Aaron searched for him immediately, but the distraction allowed security to take advantage and restrain him powerfully.

"No, no I need to see him, let me go, I need to see him! Jackson!

Please...Jay please" he pleaded, too far gone, too lost in his mission to make him listen to care about the crowd of people now watching him, watching him being thrown off the premises.

"Wait" Jackson shouted just as he witnessed Aaron being dragged around the corner.

Security hesitantly trudged back a few steps, to see if they had heard their resident correctly.

Jackson looked at him, really looked at him, he could see this whole situation had taken it's toll on the younger man. His eyes black from tiredness, his brow creased in confusion, hurt sadness. Aaron recently, looked old, much older than his years. All because of him.

Was this even more justification that him staying away from Aaron was the right thing to do?

He didn't know, he honestly is struggling to make sense and understand all of this!

But looking at him now, he couldn't send him away, not like this.

"I want to hear what he has to say" Jackson said, instantly seeing Aarons eyes light up with, hope maybe, he didn't know. But it sure as hell felt good to see the younger man smiling.

...

20 minutes and various false starts later, they were alone in his room together. It took Jackson a while to convince his carers that although he said he never wanted Aaron within a 50 yard radius of him... he needed to see him, hear him, just one last time.

Aaron was staring out of the window, sat down in a cold hard chair watching the setting sun, he could only hope that this does not set the scene of things to come. He couldn't look at him, not now, not now he had no idea what was about to be said, he was too scared.

But here he goes, here goes nothing, nothing but words, it's all he has. He just wished he was articulate, because nothing he says ever comes out right.

But he's just got to let it all out...

"Of all your wicked schemes to get me away from you, each one you've done going from bad to worse and taking it to new extremes, making us say evil things to each other, things we don't even mean, taking me by surprise each and every single time, but looking back I don't know why...this has got to be the worst"

Jackson was watching him, staring at his back, what could he say? Was it too late to make this alright? All these questions going around in his head, he couldn't even answer his own questions. God knows how he will be able answer Aaron's and explain himself to him this time.

It's all just one big mess that seems to be never ending, it can't end. Happy endings only happen in the movies.

"So, what's this place like then?" Aaron asked distantly, turning in his chair to face him.

"It's ok" Jackson lied "It's a nice room as you can see, everybody's nice and friendly, they've all made me feel really welcome" the crap just rolled off his tongue so easily, it surprised him how comfortable he was at doing it, these past few months have made him an expert!

But it scared him, it really, really scared him. He hated lies, hated them and yet it's all he did these days, lying to the people he loved, himself even! He was just one great fucking lie, and from what he could tell...it was just making things worse.

"Liar" Aaron stated coldly, he was getting tired of this.

"What?" Jackson asked as innocently as possible, it was as if the younger man had read his mind. Was it really worth it? Because he could tell Aaron was far from convinced.

Aaron rested his back into the chair, crossing his arms in the process, trying to get as comfortable as he possibly could "You forget Jackson, I practically walk on your wave length, you said it yourself, we're polar opposites...but we get each other, we just connect.

And I always know when you're lying" he stated as calmly as his teenage pent up frustration would allow "It's something you've been doing a lot lately" Aaron added as an afterthought.

"Well I can't tell you the truth" Jackson said instinctively, although he instantly regretted it, it was like there was something out there that was pushing him into saying out loud how he really feels, what he really wants. It's just he is fighting with all his might to stop it from getting out!

Aaron was on his feet before he could even know what to say, making his way over to him.

"Jackson I..."

"No, no get back, get back over to the window, don't crowd me!" Jackson shouted quickly, he hated the hurt look in his eyes, he hated even more his retreating steps back to the chair. But he needs to think, having Aaron in his face, his broken blue eyes staring into his would not help his already shallow breathing.

Jackson closed his eyes, wanting more than anything for this whole thing to pass him by, to ignore every warning sign possible telling him that what he was doing was plain wrong. No, the thing he really wanted more than anything was to be free of this chair, everything he needed was sitting across the room. But he couldn't have either.

"Why don't you just tell me the truth, what's going on in your head?" Aaron asked gently, hoping to encourage him to open up.

Everyone thought it was Aaron who was the unreasonable one, the stubborn one. Well, he was proving them all wrong now, he was showing everyone how imperfect he truly is.

"You wanna know?" Jackson asked angrily, not waiting for Aaron to respond "Well here it is...you tell me you can't lie to me, so answer me this, why love someone forever...when you can love them for a few hours then move onto the next one? You came so close – Literally, to having it off with someone else, what makes you think you won't actually go all the way next time?"

Jackson watched Aaron cast his eyes down, unable to maintain eye contact.

Aaron began to think erratically, thinking of something, anything to convince him he wouldn't. How could he answer him?

But Jackson knew, Aaron can't.

He really was showing him how cruel he could be.

Except he wasn't, he wasn't cruel. He was desperate. The world has got him all wrong, because he is desperate to keep the hurt to himself, he doesn't want to, he can't allow himself to spread it!

The silence broke Jackson's heart. It was like a blade into his temple, hurting his head, the only place the pain can come.

Jackson was looking at him, it was too late to keep the hurt to himself, it had already spread! It had spread to the place where he never wanted it to go. The pain was in Aaron too.

"What do you see when you look at me?" Jackson whispered.

This question pulled Aaron out of his daze, he looked up immediately, only it was Jackson's turn to look down.

"I see you, I see the man you've always been, the man you were all along.

But you're sad, you're so sad and unhappy now"

Jackson let the tear slip down his cheek, he was too worn down to try and control it.

"I want to make you smile, ano I can do it, ano I can make you happy.

But only if you let me, only if you let me in" Aaron whispered, his tone laced with such meaning, pleading with him to listen.

"I can't do anything, _we _can't do anything, my arms and legs don't work anymore. We can't ever stroll on the beach like we did on holiday, we can never sleep together...I can never hold your hand.

You don't get it, you can't ever get it...I'm lonely, I'm lonely and I'm so tired, I'm so tired it's unreal, my head just won't shut up" Jackson sobbed.

Aaron wanted desperately to crouch in front of him, to look in his eyes and offer all the comfort he needs. But he couldn't, he knew Jackson would just tell him to stay away.

"Tell me what you want and I'll do it, I'll do anything Jay" the breath catching in the back of his throat, the breath containing all his fears, all the things that haunt him. He can feel him, slipping through his fingers.

Jackson decided the truth was all he had left to try, he had tried lying, and it just made him and everyone around him miserable.

His quivering lips from his sheer emotional breakdown spoke the honesty that has lay dormant in him for such a long time, letting out all the thoughts he has been saving...

"I want you to heal me, I want to feel your healing hands, I want your touch to bring me round and make me feel again"

Aaron let slip a gasp of pain from the depths of his heart. The tears now streaming down his face as his hands rub pointlessly over his head.

"I can't mate" He whispered, too low for Jackson to hear him, it was just for himself.

Aaron didn't care now if Jackson told him to stay back, he wasn't going to anymore, he had to do this, for himself and for the man crying out for comfort. He got up from his chair and made his way over to crouch in front of him. To his surprise, Jackson didn't send him away, he allowed Aaron to wipe the tears from his eyes so he can see.

Aaron stared into his eyes, before leaning forward and brushing his lips longingly to his forehead, eliciting the most delicate sigh of contentment from Jackson's mouth.

No words were needed, because words are just words, they can't make anything go away, they can't get them out this mess!

So Aaron stood up silently and went to stand behind him, softly, hesitantly placing his hands into his short, dark golden curls...and his fingers began working their magic, slowly massaging his head.

Both men couldn't stop the tears now flowing as they realised, this was as close as they could get to one another now, this was all there was and it had to be enough, it just had to be.

Jackson closed his eyes. letting Aaron take him and give him this bittersweet moment life has thrown at them, offering what small comfort he could. His fingertips helping to draw them to an unofficial unity.

But there was still a lot to talk about.


	11. IIWII 11

Chapter 11

It was making him feel better, he couldn't deny that. Sort of soothing in a way, his fingers playing softly in his hair. He always loved it during their passion sessions when Aaron would glide his grip into his short curls, tugging lightly, all the while gazing into him, holding his eyes...not likely to happen now, but the fond memory will always stay with him.

Aaron kissed the back of his head, his lips locking for a long drawn out breath as his hands untangled from his hair, signifying the end of their moment of happiness, contentment, before sitting back down near the window. He could have kept doing it forever! But he knew him and Jackson still had things to discuss, his mission is still incomplete. He can't keep running from the lies, the old Aaron could have, he could have done it for as long as possible. But not this Aaron, not this Aaron who knew what he wanted. Running just makes you tired, you never get anywhere, just around in circles. It doesn't solve your problems it just makes it harder for when you eventually have to face up to the facts that things are not perfect.

And things are not perfect and they will never be. He knew that, they both did. But in Aaron's mind, he could see how perfect they _could_ be, it can't ever be as perfect as it would have been if Jackson never decided to play on the train tracks, but it could still be pretty great, cause they would be together.

No one has ever got Aaron like Jackson, he just...got him.

Aaron didn't know why he did, but he did.

I mean, he knew how he got him, like giving him his space when he's off on one, the way he can talk him down when he wants to do something stupid, or when he understands that when Aaron says something truly nasty and hurtful, Aaron himself will most likely be hurting more.

But he just didn't know why Jackson stuck around, and loved him. Jackson himself probably can't even work it out!

And he supposes he will never know, it will be one of life's great mysteries.

But he does have a burning question to ask him, a question that he has wanted to know the answer to for such a long time, since around the time of the accident.

But he is scared to say it, to say it out loud. Because It will make it real.

But today was about the truth, telling each other what's going on in their head's. He knew Jackson had opened up more than he ever wanted Aaron to know today, so he too was going to share his weaknesses, his fears...it's got to be done to heal to the distance between them, beginning at the start.

"Do you wish you never met me?" Aaron said, his voice barely above a whisper, but he knew he had heard him.

Jackson looked at him, his eyes taking in all the familiar lines on his face, like a map he had memorised time and time again, he knew him, all of him like the back of his lifeless hands.

"To be honest...not even on my dark days" Jackson spoke defiantly, revelling in seeing the younger man just showing a hint of a smile.

"I thought the last guy I was with before you, Marc, was love...

But then I met you, and now I realise that what I felt for him wasn't even close to love. You showed me, you showed me what it's like. And although there's a part of you that still thinks that it's impossible for someone to love you...you did let me, you let me love you, and for that I will never ever regret our first encounter, of me checking you out and building up the courage all night to ask you for a game of pool, even if you did run off" Jackson grinned teasingly, lovingly, his eyes lighting up his whole face, moments like these were few and far between, so Aaron took it all in, relishing it while it lasted.

Although what Jackson failed to mention was that it troubles him how much the doubt always creeps into the younger man's mind. Always discrediting everyone's love for him, and there is a lot of people who love the teen, Paddy, Adam, his mum, Cain...it was always in his nature to defend himself when he thinks he's under attack, but he always blurred the lines between someone controlling his life and them caring.

Jackson just wished he could have helped Aaron see that... guess he failed...

Aaron smiled as Jackson's words echoed in his head, he had always rejected any kind words Jackson had said to him in the beginning, and to be honest, he still does sometimes, not just with him, he struggles to accept it when his dad Paddy say's he loves him.

It's because he can't help feeling responsible for all that happens, well, just the bad things that do. He can't help feeling that danger follows him everywhere he goes. But he knows it is irrational and because all of the bad luck that he has had.

He made a conscious decision to put it down to life and stop being so hard on himself. Because he just couldn't think about himself anymore, he had to be the man Jackson needs him to be, he himself wants so desperately to be...he just hopes he can be.

That thought caught him, it caught his breath, caught at the back of his throat. Hiding his face behind his hands, he uncontrollably let go when the sobs came and wracked his body.

Jackson could only wait, he couldn't get to him, he would never be able to wrap himself around him and make it alright. Nor would he be able to stand in his arms, without falling at his feet!

"Aaron, talk to me?" Jackson urged him gently, feeling the stinging in his eyes as the tears filled them.

Aaron couldn't answer him, he was too consumed by the hurt, the hurt that was blurring the truth, he wanted someone to blame, because someone had took Jackson's life, they took him away!

Well, he wasn't going to let them, he was going to get as much of him as he possibly could back! And when he does, he will never let them take his world away from him ever again.

"Aaron please, talk to me?"

"You wanna know the truth, do ya?" frustration now coming to the surface "I wish you were a stranger, so I could disengage from you and please everyone, you, me mam, Paddy. Then it would make it easier for me to play the field, something you all think I'm missing out on.

You all think you know what's best for me, but you've not even taken into consideration or bothered to ask me what I want, how this all makes me feel!"

They descended into an uncomfortable silence, their minds racing, not even allowing them to think clearly. It's like it's just one obstacle after another with no in between, just washing through them and they don't have any time to react, to prepare for their next challenge. With every passing day it's gets harder and harder for them to rebuild even just a fraction of what they had.

"I miss you Jay, I miss us" Aaron soften

"All the times you kissed me for no other reason than you felt like it, the way you put your arms around me on cold nights, and I miss being, being in bed with you, touching you...I miss it so much.

And I'm scared, I'm scared that I won't be who you need me to be. I'm being pushed and pulled by so many people, My mum and Paddy say that we should just be mates, saying I'm too young to be with you, to handle all this, but before the accident they were telling me you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, nothing, nothing has changed, you still are the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Cain keeps telling me to stay with you, but just see other people behind your back!

But Adam, Adam just keeps telling me to think things through, to take my time and not rush into it, and do what feels right inside.

There are times when I feel I can't do it, that it's all too much and I just wanna stay in bed and not step foot outside the covers. Morning's are the worst, because when I wake up I sometimes forget what's happened and put my hand behind me, to search for you, then it hits me, it's like someone just takes my breath away when it all comes flooding back to me. And I close my eyes and vow never to leave this bed!

But then I see your face, I see you and suddenly, the haze is gone, I see who you really are, the person you have always been and I find the strength to leave my bed. Because despite what everyone wants me to do, what everyone keeps telling me to do... ano their wrong, _your _wrong.

I've tried moving on, remember Flynn?

It didn't feel right, it was wrong because he wasn't you" Aaron got up from the chair and walked across the room, crouching beside him, taking hold of his broken hand.

Aaron was about to speak when Jackson cut across him.

"You know...I've become what I despise, a casualty. There's nothing worse than being stared at, felt sorry for.

It's like I'm not a person, I'm a disease" Jackson forced out sadly.

"Don't say that, don't ever say that" Aaron said, disgusted at how little Jackson thinks of himself now, how insignificant he feels.

"You've lost your fight...you haven't lost your life, your still here. You can still live, we can still be happy...you've just got to let go and allow yourself, you need to try, no one else can do it for you" Aaron urged gently through teary eyes.

Jackson let out a slow, shaky breath, thinking things through in his head for a moment, before trying, actually trying for one last time, to give him the chance to run.

"I just feel I would be denying you love, denying someone the chance to love you properly, like you deserve and..."

"You love me, Jay that's it, that's all I need!

I know you would, put your arms around me, if you could, and, hold my hand whenever you wanted, ano you would.

But I'll always know you love me without you showing me, I'll always know" Aaron stated firmly, softly.

Was this it, was Jackson going to come up with every excuse under the sun for them not to be together forever?

Jackson was tired. The words in his head, every fibre in his body telling him this was wrong, it was plain wrong. But his heart said something else entirely.

The confusion, the forces and battles within him are taking their toll, the tears now sliding down his cheeks, it's all he does when he's alone, cry, now he gets to see, he gets to see how broken he truly is...and he's still here.

As the fighting within him comes to an end, the only thing that's left to feel is hollow.

And the thing is...he has been feeling hollow for way too long...

"It seems I can talk the walk, but I can't walk the talk, if you pardon the pun" Jackson joked feebly "I can never say no to you, you always have and always will have some sort of hold over me" Jackson closed his eyes, buying himself more thinking time, but it was no use because Aaron was right in front of him, all things logical can never be thought when he is this close. Leaving Aaron on the edge, he really needs to hear the rest of what Jackson was so close to saying...

Jackson couldn't hold on any longer, his resolve of what he thinks is the right thing is loosening, until...

It was gone, he's finally let it go.

The wall has shattered into a million pieces, there's nothing in their way now.

"Can" Jackson struggled to get the words out, the tears were now falling into his mouth "Can you take what's left of me...will it be enough?"

Aaron let go of his hand, and put both of his delicately onto the sides of Jackson's face.

"You'll always be enough" their eyes never leaving each others, as Aaron's lips moved closer, to touch his soft, swollen lips gently.

And Jackson let him, he let him kiss him and deepen the unity, allowing his tongue to roam his mouth.

But Jackson will never love, the way he loved Aaron.

Because everything that Emily said is under his skin, the truth is within him. Jackson knows this, he isn't stupid as he listened to her words echoing inside his head...

_...'He will probably go._

_You will never know when, and you will never know how, you may never even know why but you will let him go, and cherish all the time you spent together'._

Jackson has decided to be selfish for the moment, and selfless for when the inevitable time comes.

But will Aaron one day leave him? That is the million dollar question, one of which will be answered.

Jackson pulled away from the kiss, breathlessly panting for more, but he has been longing to say this...

"Take me home Aaron"

TBC in the story 'Closer to what you want?'


End file.
